GreenishLady

Originally Blogging the Artist's Way. Thoughts, musings, experience of the 12-week course, January to March 2006. And after that?.... Life, creativity, writing. Where does it all meet? Here, perhaps.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Sunday Scribblings - Crush

This week's theme from Sunday Scribblings is "Crush".
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I would like to pretend, in my 50th year, that I am now above all that; that I am beyond the reach of those crushes that used to catch me unawares, draw me in, and spin a web of fantasy and daydream that would consume my every waking moment, fill my every dream. I had more than 20 years of immunity, safe in my marriage, when notions would be fleeting, and dismissed as quickly as they would arrive. They were never given time or space to settle in, and I had no reason to believe that I would ever again be struck by the sudden, heart-stopping realisation that HE was, – irrationally, without any shred of evidence to back up the conviction – he WAS the one.

So it took me by surprise, that day, idly musing my way through a fairly dull class, with a lecturer I’d known for years – a popular, kind, amusing man, running to a little bit more flesh than is attractive; wearing his hair a lot longer than suited him, when one moment I was noting his words with a weary knowledge that they might be useful in an exam at the end of term, and in the next moment, (no shaft of sunlight illuminated his face, in that windowless room; no violins played; outwardly everything stayed the same), across my mind flashed a thought: “I could fancy him!” I almost jumped up in my seat, shouting “Who said that?” I certainly blushed. I checked the idea out – preposterous as it sounded – for veracity. Could I? Could I really? Oh, my! It seemed I could.

Ooops. No! He was not married. And while technically, I still was, there was no-one who might have objected, but no, no, no. This was so sudden, so new, so TEENAGE! Dear reader, I avoided. I took to sitting in seats out of his line of sight. I chose a different coffee-spot than his accustomed place. But I stayed acutely attuned to the mention of his name, to the sight of his back as he did that two-steps-a-time dance up the stairs, to glimpses of female students entering or leaving his office. On the day of my graduation, there were all the lecturers who had seen me through my years of study, many offering a congratulatory kiss, but the one absent one, the one I’d been so looking forward to seeing, for some reason, wasn’t there.

It was a crush. It has passed. (OK. I would blush if I met him, so it’s not entirely gone). But it was wonderful. The paralysed heart came to life. Rational or irrational, something in me said “Yes, there could be another one. It might even be him!”

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Go to Sunday Scribblings to find more Crushes!

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12 Comments:

At 18/2/07 4:43 pm, Blogger Regina Clare Jane said...

What a lovely story- I think crushes aren't necessarily about the looks of a person but the passion they give off in other ways- obviously your teacher had this...

 
At 18/2/07 6:18 pm, Blogger paris parfait said...

That's a sweet story. It's sometimes good (in terms of one's self-esteem) to have a love interest/crush in the wings to help one get over a relationship. And often the unspoken crushes are the best!

 
At 18/2/07 6:32 pm, Blogger Tammy said...

I loved this story and I think it was the female in you awakening ;)

 
At 19/2/07 12:19 am, Blogger Cate said...

Ooooohh, I've avoided crushes, too, only to be disappointed when the "crushee" don't "show up" at a situation where I was hoping he might be! You describe that anticipation perfectly.

I hope you run into him again one day . . .

 
At 19/2/07 6:38 am, Blogger Mardougrrl said...

yep, even the married heart is not protected from the lure of a crush. You captured that sense of surprise and awakening perfectly. It's so fun, so awkward, so...teenage like you said!

 
At 19/2/07 7:54 am, Anonymous GeL (Emerald eyes) said...

Hi,
I enjoyed this very much. My heart was beating fast as I remembered crushes. I'm happy for you that you did "feel" that unique crush feeling again, and so sad he was not to be seen. Still, there's hope knowing you *can* feel it again.

 
At 19/2/07 8:31 am, Blogger Terri /Tinker said...

What a sweetly poignant story...I don't think we ever completely outgrow that capacity for crushes - at least I hope we don't - it's one of the more endearing and hopeful human traits I think!

 
At 19/2/07 11:37 am, Blogger chiefbiscuit said...

That is so honest and rings so very true. I wish you many more crushes - I wonder. do they crush us to life rather than to death?

 
At 19/2/07 2:19 pm, Blogger gautami tripathy said...

Age has nothing to do with crushes. Crushes happen at any age, any time.


gautami
Painfully yours..

 
At 20/2/07 2:58 am, Blogger Amber said...

LOL! This really made me giggle!
Your not DEAD, for crying out loud! Yes, it could still happen. It could still happen at any moment. Stay open! Any man would be lucky to find you had a crush on him...

:)

 
At 20/2/07 6:39 am, Blogger deirdre said...

It's a sort of little gift to have those feelings again, but a really big gift to know that your heart is capable of feeling something as unsettling as a crush. I loved this story, especially because your crushee was not gorgeous or obviously hunky. That moment of response to something more subtle is wonderful.

 
At 22/2/07 1:01 pm, Blogger megan said...

That closed off thing gets so darn comfortable and safe that after a while we forget that something else IS possible. Thanks for writing about this so aptly.

 

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