Sunday Scribbling: New
There's a new feeling I've been carrying around for a while. It came upon me unexpectedly, and at first, I wasn't sure I could trust it to last, so I just let it sit a while. Every so often, I returned, gave a gentle poke to see was it still there, and sure enough, it stirred, sighed, said "Yes, I told you, I'm home! Now let me just settle in, will you!" What to name it? Acceptance? Forgiveness? Whatever the name for it, it's brought a new peace to my heart that is very welcome. This has been the first Christmas and New Year that I have not wept for five years. What a gift!
It turned up so easily, just when I'd accepted that I was probably going to go through the rest of my life carrying a certain level of sadness, of pain at the end of my marriage. One morning - the morning of the solstice, as it happens - random thoughts about the things we do that limit us in our lives, the things I can so easily see friends doing that bog them down, led to the simple question: Well, what is it you are carrying around that limits you, that restricts your freedom, that holds you back? And the answer was instant, simple. My woundedness. I knew that if I asked any friend that question, they would have given me this answer.
And inside me, something broke loose and began to float away. The knot of bitter feelings, of regret began to unravel itself, and I knew, that if D, my erstwhile husband was to invite me in for tea, I would now be able to say "Yes, thank you, that would be nice". Just knowing that was huge for me. This was NEW. Sudden. Somewhat shocking. But oh, I was so ready for this.
And that very day, passing through a shopping centre, I got a chance to test out the feeling - for there he was, having tea at a cafe, and when I stopped to chat, I checked myself out. Was my heart racing? Was I having bitter, bitchy thoughts? No. I really wasn't. When he invited me to join him for coffee, I did, and when I was ready to go, I wished him a happy Christmas, gathered my packages, and left, walking up the street, surprised with myself for the lack of turmoil, for the peace I felt.
Maybe it will slip away again, but now I know that I can experience this sense of peace. This is the gift I have been most thankful for this year. This is the New thing I welcome most.
If you would like to see what other Sunday Scribblers had to say about "New/New Year" check it out HERE