Originally Blogging the Artist's Way. Thoughts, musings, experience of the 12-week course, January to March 2006. And after that?.... Life, creativity, writing. Where does it all meet? Here, perhaps.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Where Have All The Monsters Gone?

Just kidding. They haven't gone away, it seems, judging from what there was to read all over the Sunday Scribblings posts this week. Writing for that prompt, and reading other people's responses to it has caused quite a bit of introspection in me. I keep recognising the shadow of the monster in my thinking, and was really intrigued by the interpretations people made of MY monster. I wasn't quite sure what exactly it represented to me, only that, once I let in a negative thought, I feed it, and it grows and saps my strength. That was the meaning I thought was in what I wrote. Then, someone mentioned the Diet Monster, and I thought "Oh, that must be who my monster really is", but then there's the Procrastination Monster, which I feed all the time, and there's a whole menagerie of others - none of which I've ever named until now as Monsters. So, what to do with this? This awareness (or hint of awareness). I wasn't at all sure.

Then, this morning, writing my Morning Pages, focusing on the things I'd meant to do yesterday and not gotten around to (I got some things I'd meant to do done, but that didn't take up as much writing room), this is what came out (I'm going to transcribe exactly, because it just feels like the right thing to do!) :

Know what? - Suddenly I'm just very pissed off with myself for doing all this. Creating all these situations where I'm trying to figure out why I didn't do what I wanted and needed to do. It's now taking up more time than DOING anything. There's a thought... if I didn't give the "not doing" any energy at all, then I'd probably DO. That is very interesting. That's how I've been feeding the monster. Monster doesn't care what he gets me talking about so long as he keeps me busy NOT changing anything, really. That's what all the monsters are afraid of. Things changing. (I've always known that, haven't i? So why do I let the Procrastination monster - King of the fear-of-change crowd - have such a hold on me? Because I've been fooled into giving him attention. - Feeding him.

I think this is very important. So it's about not letting myself spend time on Why Didn't I? or I should or Why Can't I? But on How will I? When will I? What will I do? No feeling BAD about what hasn't been done.

Does this make sense to anybody? Right now, it feels really like a key for me, because I've spent so much time on (thinking about why I haven't even started) one particular project that it's exhausting me. My home's been needing a makeover from long before my husband moved out. Before he went, I think any change was going to precipitate a landslide of change, and we were all just holding everything as it was, including clutter and familiar STUFF. After he left, there was an initial burst of clearing (thanks to my sister for helping), and at this stage all his belongings have been removed, but there is a psychic energy left that needs clearing, and that means - if I'm not moving house - repainting, reflooring, refurnishing. I can afford to do it (if I don't try to go for high-end-of-the-market stuff). I just haven't gotten going. Any wisdom? Any suggestions?

It just feels good to say this out here. I still don't know why THAT is, but there you are!

Minutes later: Ooops.. look what I've done. I've just invited all of you to help me feed my monster! Have I? Just when I thought I'd got a grip on this, it slips away.

Maybe an hour later: That procrastination monster, once he's named, seems to just get smaller and smaller and smaller. I've done two of the things that I've been putting off for (1) months and (2) years. There's a painter coming tomorrow to take a look and give me a quote for the work that needs to be done. And I've arranged healthcare cover in my own name. It was hard to just make the call and say I'm no longer covered under a "family" policy. But I've done the grown-up thing. It's done.

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At 29/8/06 4:20 pm, Blogger deirdre said...

I think you've named this well and in the naming have gained the upper hand. Sometimes when I need to clear something out of my house I burn a little white sage and walk through each room requesting that anything bad that happened there should leave and only good be allowed to come in. It helps set my mind on a different path. Besides, I like the ritual.

At 29/8/06 4:51 pm, Blogger GreenishLady said...

Thanks Deirdre. I suppose just because there weren't big scenes and traumas doesn't mean there isn't a residue of the negative feelings we lived with for quite some time there. Yes. Space clearing is called for. Thank you.

At 29/8/06 5:24 pm, Anonymous MsShad said...

Goodness. This really hit home for me. I didn't know I had so many monsters either.

At 29/8/06 9:17 pm, Blogger Star said...

I think you're making marvelous progress. And now that you've gotten the ball rolling, I think you'll find your confidence increasing and the monsters backing away into the shadow before they exit for good.

At 30/8/06 11:18 pm, Anonymous tinker said...

Congratulations, Imelda - You've gotten quite a good start at kicking those monsters to the curb!
Thanks for the inspiration - I have more than a few of them sitting at my table, too. :)

Just think, you get to do your house YOUR way, with whatever colors and patterns you want, without having to compromise to accommodate someone else's tastes or preferences. How exciting is that!

At 31/8/06 4:01 am, Blogger Jerri said...

I've been where you are now, and I know much happiness can lie ahead if only you walk forward in faith.

Blessings to you.

After reading you request for suggestions, I was going to say you should think about painting. Then I came to the graph that said you've already figured that out.

Smart woman.

The next thing I'd suggest is to get all new bedding. In all likelihood, much has transpired in that bed and changing it is like turning the page to a new chapter.

Making the house your own is the healthiest thing you could be doing with it.


At 31/8/06 12:50 pm, Blogger GreenishLady said...

Dear friends, I have to thank you all for your support and suggestions. At this stage (Thursday) painter is booked, and new flooring and furnishing is also being planned. As to beds, yes, I wrote about it in a Sunday Scribble weeks (months?) ago, and yes, while all the bedding has changed, the bed remains, and it is surely time to say goodbye to that. Thank you all.

At 31/8/06 10:22 pm, Blogger Amber said...

Oh, i missed this weeks scibble, and it migth be a good thing. Because I'm not sure i could have made up my mind WHICH monster I should write about! LOL Do you think that Procrastination Monster of yours is a time/space travel monster? Because by the look of my "list", he has been hanging out at my house, too...Maybe it is a cousin? A brother?

I think it will great for you to clear that energy, and make changes. It is amazing what a little change like that can do! Post pis.


At 4/9/06 5:53 am, Blogger Wenda said...

Thanks for welcoming me back to blogging. I'm just beginning to get caught up with yours again, too, and particularly enjoyed this post. Sounds like your insight has opened the door and cleared a path for you and some of us, too.


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