sad

Oh... I don't know how to begin this, or what I can say, but I need to share with you that today is a very sad day for me. I've just said goodbye to my dear little companion, Trixie, who was 15 years and 5 months old. I've known for a while that it would be necessary to give her a peaceful end, and it became really clear last week that if I wasn't going to put her through surgery that it would need to be soon. I delayed a while so that I wouldn't have to bear that news to my family when we were celebrating my sister's wedding last week, but today, with my son I brought her to the animal hospital where she had a peaceful and gentle end. She is now buried in my garden (her garden) where she spent so many days enjoying the sunshine. She will have a spindle tree to mark the spot, because at this time of year every year, it will offer a flame of remembrance.

As I write, I can still hardly believe it has really happened. Maybe I shouldn't write much, as I am still in the early stages of grief, and not rational at all. I'm having flashes of denial. It's natural. So why am I writing? To help myself really believe it, I suppose, and to let you know, dear friends, because so many of you have befriended Trixie through her appearances here, and for a while in her own blog, Trixie's Days. Her last words there were last December, and I resisted the impulse to post there anytime after January, because her final illness had begun, and I didn't want to name that, to speak that in her voice.

Her final days were a confirmation for me that the time was right. She was in some discomfort, but still able to eat, so she got little treats of chicken. We had a final walk around the neighbourhood at a quiet time of day on Wednesday, and she enjoyed that so much, I did start to wonder was the time right. But then I thought about the alternative - to wait until she could no longer walk, to wait until she was actually suffering a great deal, and I knew it was a better thing to release her spirit now.

She knew I was feeling sad in these last days, and comforted me, came for extra cuddles, and licked my hand. Last night, she climbed into my lap while we were sitting on the couch, and instead of turning her back to me, to lay her paws on my knees and sleep, she turned to face me, sat on my lap, sitting up, and looking straight into my face for ever such a long time, as though she was memorising me. It was the strangest thing, like she was letting me know that it was alright. Everything is alright. She was so trusting.

I am very grateful for the time I've had with Trixie, who came to us for my son's 6th birthday. She has been a constant companion, a faithful friend, and this is just the beginning of saying goodbye to her.