Where Have All The Monsters Gone?
Just kidding. They haven't gone away, it seems, judging from what there was to read all over the Sunday Scribblings posts this week. Writing for that prompt, and reading other people's responses to it has caused quite a bit of introspection in me. I keep recognising the shadow of the monster in my thinking, and was really intrigued by the interpretations people made of MY monster. I wasn't quite sure what exactly it represented to me, only that, once I let in a negative thought, I feed it, and it grows and saps my strength. That was the meaning I thought was in what I wrote. Then, someone mentioned the Diet Monster, and I thought "Oh, that must be who my monster really is", but then there's the Procrastination Monster, which I feed all the time, and there's a whole menagerie of others - none of which I've ever named until now as Monsters. So, what to do with this? This awareness (or hint of awareness). I wasn't at all sure.
Then, this morning, writing my Morning Pages, focusing on the things I'd meant to do yesterday and not gotten around to (I got some things I'd meant to do done, but that didn't take up as much writing room), this is what came out (I'm going to transcribe exactly, because it just feels like the right thing to do!) :
Know what? - Suddenly I'm just very pissed off with myself for doing all this. Creating all these situations where I'm trying to figure out why I didn't do what I wanted and needed to do. It's now taking up more time than DOING anything. There's a thought... if I didn't give the "not doing" any energy at all, then I'd probably DO. That is very interesting. That's how I've been feeding the monster. Monster doesn't care what he gets me talking about so long as he keeps me busy NOT changing anything, really. That's what all the monsters are afraid of. Things changing. (I've always known that, haven't i? So why do I let the Procrastination monster - King of the fear-of-change crowd - have such a hold on me? Because I've been fooled into giving him attention. - Feeding him.
I think this is very important. So it's about not letting myself spend time on Why Didn't I? or I should or Why Can't I? But on How will I? When will I? What will I do? No feeling BAD about what hasn't been done.
Does this make sense to anybody? Right now, it feels really like a key for me, because I've spent so much time on (thinking about why I haven't even started) one particular project that it's exhausting me. My home's been needing a makeover from long before my husband moved out. Before he went, I think any change was going to precipitate a landslide of change, and we were all just holding everything as it was, including clutter and familiar STUFF. After he left, there was an initial burst of clearing (thanks to my sister for helping), and at this stage all his belongings have been removed, but there is a psychic energy left that needs clearing, and that means - if I'm not moving house - repainting, reflooring, refurnishing. I can afford to do it (if I don't try to go for high-end-of-the-market stuff). I just haven't gotten going. Any wisdom? Any suggestions?
It just feels good to say this out here. I still don't know why THAT is, but there you are!
Minutes later: Ooops.. look what I've done. I've just invited all of you to help me feed my monster! Have I? Just when I thought I'd got a grip on this, it slips away.
Maybe an hour later: That procrastination monster, once he's named, seems to just get smaller and smaller and smaller. I've done two of the things that I've been putting off for (1) months and (2) years. There's a painter coming tomorrow to take a look and give me a quote for the work that needs to be done. And I've arranged healthcare cover in my own name. It was hard to just make the call and say I'm no longer covered under a "family" policy. But I've done the grown-up thing. It's done.